My Mother-in-law Doesn’t Need To Apologise

My mother-in-law Judith is a fantastic gift giver. The reason I think she is so admirable is that she’s got this impressive capacity for empathy. I can see that when I look at the gifts, she’s given to me.

I’m a crap gift giver. It makes me feel bad because if someone can give you good gifts, it demonstrates that they understand you. I want to be like that. I feel disappointed that I’m not.

For me, this is not all about the material nature of a present. Receiving a gift chosen with empathy is to experience being seen, understood and acknowledged.

Spending time with Judith is a similar experience. I know that when I am with her, I’m with somebody who’s empathic and sensitive. She is understanding and non-judgmental.

Judith could make judgements if she wanted to. She is highly educated and very clever. My mother-in-law knows all about my bad points. She has a more sophisticated view of the world than I do. She could use that knowledge unkindly if she chose. I’m grateful that she doesn’t.

The Penguin Book of Art Writing Cover Page

The Penguin Book of Art Writing – Martin Gayford & Karen Wright

She once gave me a wonderful book of writing about the arts. The Penguin Book of Art Writing is full of rich stories that I’ve thought about for years. This gift is an example of why I feel lucky to have Judith’s input in my life.

Judith is now 81, and she’s a beautiful person to be around. I just took her up to the café after a doctor’s appointment yesterday. There was a young couple with a baby turning their faces to her and smiling. At the next table down was a 25-year-old woman sitting with her father. They both turned to Judith and smiled. Judith creates this sort of atmosphere in a room because of who she is.

Judith lives in a one bedroom flat. She has transformed it into the most remarkable space. The walls are plastered with postcards, maps, photos and paintings. This display isn’t decoration; this is life.

Recently I visited with the occupational therapist. Judith started to apologise for her flat. I said, “Don’t bother. If people don’t understand, then you can never explain it. And if they do understand, then you don’t need to.”

I grew up with heavily doctored, worked on art spaces. So for me, I know what it is. It is both an installation and a performance piece. It’s head and shoulders above any I’ve ever seen. Being in Judith’s home is like experiencing some form of spiritual oxygen. Judith is embarrassed about it because it’s all personal stuff. Ironically I think that is why it’s so good.

One day in the future we will lose Judith. I’ll go to her flat, and I will carefully take down every single card and map and picture. I’ll preserve them all in a book. It will help maintain our connection to her. Some people create joy in the way they choose to live their lives, and for me, Judith is such a person.

As the quote says, “She’s like the old age that you want for yourself.”

Note: if you’d like to get the book, here are a few options:

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Posted in Perspectives